


a private affair

by dizzy, waveydnp



Series: we're all dying anyway 2019 daily fic advent [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21705997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: Jimmy privated his videos and Phil isn't happy about it.Prompt:PHIMMY pls <3
Relationships: Jimmy Hill/Phil Lester
Series: we're all dying anyway 2019 daily fic advent [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559167
Comments: 13
Kudos: 62





	a private affair

He thinks about it for weeks. It mentally consumes most of his waking hours, and even some of his sleeping ones. His dreams are anxious more often than they’re not, and he doesn’t have to wonder why. He goes back and forth and back again, breaking down every pro and con, trying to visualize every possible variation of outcome. 

Once he’s decided, the deed is done in less time than it takes to steep a strong cup of tea. He closes his laptop and gets up to add milk. His hands are jittery and his heart beat is practically a thrum, but he’s got enough to occupy his time outside of regretting saying goodbye to a hobby that stopped being fun years ago. He’s like, seventy five percent sure he made the right decision.

-

Not telling his boyfriend was probably not the right decision.

He gets the call at work, and he’s distracted enough by his real responsibilities that he’s momentarily surprised by the anger in Phil’s voice.

“Jimmy what the hell?”

“Oh.” He remembers. “You saw?”

“No, I didn’t. Some random person on Twitter told me, and _then_ I saw.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

Phil goes quiet, and Jimmy knows Phil well enough to know that quiet usually means bad. “Why not?” 

This knot in his stomach is stronger than the one he’d felt when he’d pushed the button. “Because,” Jimmy tries. “Because it’s not what I even do anymore.” 

It’s true. 

Phil knows it’s true. 

But Jimmy doesn’t think that matters right now. Phil’s cross with him and this isn’t a conversation Jimmy can have at work when he’s got to be on the air in an hour. 

“Babe,” he says, trying to inject more calm and patience into his voice than he actually feels. “We’ll talk about this at home, yeah?” 

“Fine,” Phil mumbles, and hangs up the phone. 

-

It’s always late when Jimmy gets in. His show wraps up around ten and then he’s got a half hour commute on a good night. Phil usually waits to eat with him, but Jimmy’s preparing for either war or wooing tonight and he needs to build up his stamina either way. 

So he stops off at Nandos and finishes the rest of his train ride holding a fragrant lap full of Phil’s favorite peri-peri. 

He holds his breath as he walks into the flat. It took them a decade to be able to live somewhere like this. Jimmy’s quite fucking proud of it, especially considering he’s the one who put most of the blood, sweat, and tears into fixing it up. Phil’s got two left feet and the coordination of a drunk toddler, so the work of stripping wallpaper and installing kitchens and all the rest during those lost few years fell squarely on Jimmy’s shoulders. Back then he still wasn’t even sure if he wanted to do radio or tv or give YouTube one last proper go. 

He’s glad he’s past that kind of indecision. 

Right? 

-

Phil is sat on the sofa, and he looks exactly like he’s been stewing in his own anger for half the day. He doesn’t even bat an eye at the food - never a good sign. So Jimmy deposits it in the kitchen and hopes they won’t still fighting late enough that they can’t share it before they go to bed.

He sits next to Phil. “How was your day?”

Phil gives him a look, and Jimmy realizes he might actually be in more trouble than he anticipated.

“It’s not a big deal.”

Definitely, _definitely_ not the right thing to say.

Phil’s voice is cutting in a way it rarely is when it’s directed at Jimmy. “Why don’t you stop being a dick?”

“Wow, alright.”

“If I deleted all my videos and didn’t tell you and you found out from a fan on Twitter d’you reckon you’d agree it’s not a big deal?”

Jimmy runs a hand through his hair, pushing it rather savagely out of his eyes. He can already feel the instinct to match Phil’s anger in self defense rising within him.

He really doesn’t want to fight. “Are you cross because I did it, or because I didn’t tell you?”

Phil crosses his arms over his chest and frowns. It’s actually slightly adorable, especially with his fringe kind of flopped over and his glasses on and his stupid emoji pj pants. “Both.”

“Which one more?”

Phil frowns harder. It’s a bit pouty. He looks like an overgrown child. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jimmy sighs and slumps back into the cushions. “Probably ‘cause I knew you’d tell me not to.”

“Yeah. ‘Course I would’ve. ‘Cause it’s insane.”

“I didn’t delete them,” Jimmy offers. “They’re just privated.”

He can tell that softens Phil a little, so he goes a step further. “And I should have told you first.” 

“You should have,” Phil agrees. 

“I really didn’t think you’d care that much.” Jimmy’s voice is almost sullen when he adds, “That’s sort of the point, isn’t it? No one cared much about my youtube stuff.” 

Phil frowns. “That’s not true. Loads of people are talking about it on Twitter. That’s how I found out. People are worried about you, asking me if you’re alright and if you’re gone for good and did we break up.” 

“They’re fucking idiots if they think we broke up,” Jimmy says. “And why are they after you about it? They could bloody just ask me, couldn’t they?” 

Jimmy’s annoyed suddenly. He’s resentful, he’s bitter, he’s glad they noticed and they’re upset. These are the same people who’ve been prying into a relationship that isn’t theirs for years. They waited outside the station back when Phil still worked doing radio. They sometimes still linger outside of the flat, making Phil worry about stalkers and home invaders. 

“You barely even use twitter,” Phil points out, full of logic that Jimmy wants no part of when he’s working up to a righteous indignation. “That’s why they asked me.” 

“I use instagram. I’m other places.” Jimmy scowls. “They’re my videos, anyway, aren’t they? I made them and they’re mine to do with as I please, I’m the one who gets to decide who gets to see them.” 

Phil starts to look frustrated again. Jimmy thinks distantly that he should probably cut his losses and go back to the part where he was warming Phil back up to him, but he almost wants to fight it out right now. Because fights lead to making up and making up usually feels like some sort of resolution and that’s what he wants right now. Maybe. Or maybe he doesn’t know what he wants. 

“So you privated every single video because, what… you’re bitter?” 

Maybe Jimmy does know what he wants. Maybe he wants Phil to bugger off. “Yeah, this is why I didn’t tell you.” He stands up.

“Where are you going?”

“I need a bloody drink.” He doesn’t even take one step before Phil’s shot his arm out and wrapped a hand around Jimmy’s wrist.

“Babe, don’t.”

The part of Jimmy’s brain that’s angry screams at him to rip his arm free and escape Phil’s judgment. He clenches his jaw, grinding his teeth together because the other part of his brain reminds him that he’ll regret it later if he makes this more dramatic than it needs to be. “What?” he grunts.

“Don’t go. Sit.” He tugs gently on Jimmy’s arm, a suggestion more than anything. He’s giving him a choice.

Jimmy falls back into the sofa with a huff. 

“I’m sorry I called you bitter,” Phil says, lacing his fingers between Jimmy’s and squeezing.

“I am bitter. But that’s not why I did it.”

“Why did you do it?”

Jimmy looks down at their hands. It hits him suddenly how truly fucking lucky he got with this one. Nearly everything in his life looks different than it did when they first got together, and most things haven’t turned out the way he’d planned or even hoped. But he still has Phil. He still has this cute nerdy guy who used to comment on all his stupid videos. How bitter does he really have a right to be?

“Because it’s over, innit?” He looks up at Phil’s face. “It’s not me anymore.”

“My old videos aren’t me anymore, either,” Phil says. “I thought that was part of the appeal. Documenting the journey kind of thing.”

“I don’t want my journey available for the consumption of any random person who cares to watch,” Jimmy says. “That’s not what I want anymore.”

“Lots of people had emotional connections to that journey,” Phil reminds him. “That journey made people happy.”

Jimmy pulls his hand free of Phil’s. “I’m not bothered about that, Phil. I’m trying to make myself happy.”

Phil rubs his hands over his face. “I don’t even know what to say to that.” 

Jimmy knows there’s a part of Phil that fundamentally can’t understand what Jimmy is feeling. He’s always been better at compartmentalizing. He can turn himself on for a video and be a version of himself that people want to watch, a version of himself that makes people _happy_. They broke up for six whole months once and no one would have known anything was wrong if all they saw was Phil’s side of things. It was Jimmy who was off at the bar every night, showing up bleary and stubbled in photos, trudging in to work obviously hungover. 

He didn’t film a single video in that time. Phil uploaded once a week. 

Phil has mastered the art of persona. Jimmy can’t understand it. He knows he can be funny, he can take shit and make it into something that makes people laugh, but for better or worse, he wears himself on his sleeve. 

Maybe that’s why Jimmy’s channel tanked and Phil’s didn’t. Phil understands what it takes. He’s capable of rising to the occasion. Jimmy isn’t. Or at least, he wasn’t willing to change himself enough to try. 

And he doesn’t see that as a bad thing. But apparently Phil doesn’t understand that. Even if Phil supported him when Jimmy decided to make hosting his full time job, even when Phil decided not to - Phil was always the one in the background reminding Jimmy how long it had been since he’d made a video, not grasping why it was something Jimmy put off so much. 

“Do you want me to be happy?” Jimmy asks, quietly. 

He knows it’s a dangerous question. He sees the flash of something hot in Phil’s eyes when he looks up, a little bit angry that Jimmy even said it. 

“Of course I do. But you’re supposed to talk to me about things first.” 

Jimmy doesn’t think that’s necessarily true, and he bristles instinctively, but he takes a moment to breathe through the knee-jerk indignation. “It was a decision I had to make for myself, Phil. I knew it would upset you, and I didn’t want to make a choice I didn’t want to because I felt guilty.”

“We’re supposed to be partners.”

Jimmy bites back a sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose. “We are. It’s just… I needed to do it. I’d been thinking about it for so long, I just needed it out of my head.” 

Phil’s face falls. “Really? It wasn’t even an impulsive thing? You’ve been thinking about it for that long and still didn’t tell me?” 

Jimmy’s stomach turns to knots. Honesty is the best policy, his fucking arse. “You’re making this about you. It’s not about you.”

“Of fucking course it’s about me,” Phil spits, then seems to instantly fizzle out. He reaches for Jimmy’s hand again. 

Jimmy lets him. He understands Phil’s anger even if he doesn’t agree with it. 

“It scares me,” Phil says quietly. 

“Why?”

“It’s… It’s all of it. It’s you not wanting to talk to me about it, it’s you not telling me even after you’ve done it, it’s… You just deleted a huge part of, like… our origin story.”

Jimmy resists the urge to correct him on the use of the word deleted.

Then Phil sniffles and Jimmy realizes he’s starting to cry, and all his anger evaporates. He scoots right into Phil’s space and kisses his temple, once and then again, lingering on the second. “Babe.”

Phil shakes his head. “Do you even…”

“Phil, stop.” He cups Phil’s cheek and pulls his face in to press their foreheads together. “I love you.”

“I tell you every stupid little inconsequential thing.”

“Because that’s your way.”

“Isn’t that _the_ way? Like isn’t that the whole point of being with someone? That you share things?”

“I think the point is that we love each other,” Jimmy says. “We get to decide what our way is. Or— I guess maybe how to work around each other’s ways?”

Phil is unilateral. “I hate that.”

“Phil, that’s compromise. Everyone hates compromise.” Jimmy pulls his face back from Phil’s a little. “Look, I reckon I should have told you before I did it, yeah? I’m sorry about that. I was scared of how you’d react. I knew I wanted to do it and I didn’t want that to feel any more complicated than it already was.”

“Fine.”

“And the videos are still there for us,” Jimmy says gently. “I only care about us.”

Phil leans forward so his forehead thunks against Jimmy’s again. “I still don’t get it. I don’t get why it matters.”

“I don’t either. It just feels right for now.”

Phil doesn’t say anything.

“We’re more than our videos, babe,” Jimmy tells him. “And sometimes you have to let me make my own decisions. Just like I have to let you wear those horrible pajama pants with emojis on.”

Phil cracks the tiniest hint of grin. 

Jimmy’s voice goes quieter, then. “Just like I had to be okay with you choosing youtube over the show with me.”

Phil looks stricken. “Jimmy…” 

“I know I wasn’t exactly a joy to be around. I was hurt and I didn’t know how to cope with it or communicate myself well.” 

Phil smiles in a wry, sad way. “Jim, you made it very clear how you felt.” 

“Fine,” Jimmy says, sticking his tongue out. “I didn’t do it in a very mature way, then.” 

Phil just nods slightly. 

“But we worked through it, yeah? And ultimately I can admit, you were doing what was best for you. Took me a few tantrums to see that through, but I did. I reckon I felt a lot like you do now, like you were walking away from one of the things that kept us together. But it wasn’t that, you know? It wasn’t that. We didn’t fall apart after we left uni or when we moved to London and were broke as shit. We didn’t fall apart when we left the radio and we won’t now that I’m done with youtube. Because we’re more than that. Those things didn’t make us. You and me, how bloody good we are together, we’re what made them.” 

Phil’s crying again. He cries so much now, just leaking at every sad commercial and sappy film. Jimmy will tease him about that later, when things are not so vulnerable. 

“I’ll just miss it,” Phil whispers. “It’s hard for you to want to walk away from something I still like. And… I get it. That’s how you felt about the radio. But it’s… I’m just bad at the compromise.” 

“You’re not telling me anything I don’t know.” Jimmy raps his knuckles gently against Phil’s temples. “Stubborn as bloody fuck, you are. But I’m stubborn too, and I guess that just means sometimes we both have to get over ourselves.” 

Phil pouts a bit. “What if I want to get under you instead?” 

It’s a dumb joke, totally inappropriate for the moment and the conversation, and it works. Jimmy’s so caught off guard he drops his head back and laughs out loud. “I love you, Lester.” 

Phil’s fingers are cold and long when he presses them into Jimmy’s cheeks, but the kiss he gives is soft. “Love you too.” 

“And you know I’ll still pop up in your videos once in a while, eh?” Jimmy says. “Everyone’s favorite disembodied voice or hand reaching in from offscreen? Might even be more fun now.” 

Phil nods and wipes his nose on his arm. “ _My_ favourite disembodied voice.”

Jimmy snorts. “My voice has a body for you, idiot.”

“Can your body bring that Nandos out from the kitchen? The smell’s been torturing me ever since you got home.”

“Does that mean you’re not cross anymore?”

Phil seems to actually think before he answers. “I might still be a bit. I just… don’t be such a bloody island, alright?”

“I’ll try,” Jimmy says. It’s as much as he can promise, just as he knows Phil could never promise not to ask. Working around each other’s ways, and all that.

Phil gives him a little smile. There might be a hint of sadness there, but Jimmy knows they’ll get through it. He puts his hand on Phil’s thigh and squeezes before he gets up to get the food.

“Can we watch The House Files while we eat?” Phil calls out as Jimmy walks toward the kitchen he toiled over for months. “You look so hot covered in sawdust.”

“I’ll look hotter covered in you,” Jimmy calls back. 

He hears Phil laughing and a quiet confidence surges through him. It might be new and strange, the beginning of a period of transition where things won’t always feel easy or even good, but he knows he made the right choice. 

For better or worse, he _is_ an island, but Phil lives there too. It’s their own private island, and it just happens to have really tasty chicken and some top notch amateur home improvement programming.


End file.
